I recently shared the first of what I hope will be many thoughts with you. My aim with these emails is to invite you into a moment of refuge – a space set apart from the busyness of your day – to lean in and catch your breath, to pause and reflect more deeply. While some of these reflections may give you a peek at my own story and journey with cancer, others will extend wisdom from my leadership and coaching practice.
As I mentioned in my last note, I have been reflecting on Andy Crouch’s book The Life We’re Looking For, which explores the goodness of belonging to a “household” – defined more broadly than those who live inside of your physical home. Andy says:
“You are part of a household if there is someone who knows where you are today and has at least some sense of how it feels to be where you are.”
“You are part of a household if there is someone who moves more quietly when they know you are asleep…”
“You are part of a household if people know things about you that you do not know about yourself, including things that if you did know you would seek to hide.”
Belonging is essential. But it’s also vulnerable and hard-fought and so many of us struggle in these places of connection and community. It’s okay to admit that we don’t have what we want so much of the time. Engaging here, especially in our day, feels risky, complicated, and — at times — downright discouraging.
This is not something we (simply) “go out and get” – it’s layered, it’s messy. In fact, the kind of belonging we’re made for doesn’t happen apart from many small steps proceeding one by one – click-clack, click-clack, click-clack. (Can you hear trust winding down the hallway step-by-step?)
Belonging, it seems, is built quietly and slowly. And often in piecemeal-fashion that feels frustratingly inadequate along the way.
Perhaps because of this, the investments we make often seem too demanding and — paradoxically — too modest all at once. And our return on investment in any given moment? Painfully small. This makes it hard to justify and easy to abandon the small + simple steps we must make over time, even if neglect here will cost us dearly in the end.
Not only am I learning this wisdom in my own life, but my everyday work supports people in these very places. Weekly, I walk alongside leaders and teams who are trying to close the gap between their aspirations and their current reality. Together, we safeguard space for solidarity, strategic priorities, and follow-through — especially when the answers aren’t straightforward, when the path is not linear, and when the work is messy and slow.
Over the years, I’ve learned how important it is that people feel safe and seen – it’s a baseline prerequisite for any leader stepping into risky places of collaboration, next-chapter dreaming, and new ways of being. It’s a condition for any real community.
But how can we develop the deep trust we need in these places? How can we build the context required for this brave & steady work?
Brene Brown offers deep wisdom when she explains that trust is built “one marble at a time.” Using the acronym BRAVING, she identifies seven key components of trust:
Boundaries: You respect my boundaries, and when you’re not clear about what’s okay and not okay, you ask. You’re willing to say no.
Reliability: You do what you say you’ll do. At work, this means staying aware of your competencies and limitations so you don’t overpromise and are able to deliver on commitments and balance competing priorities.
Accountability: You own your mistakes, apologize, and make amends.
Vault: You don’t share information or experiences that are not yours to share. I need to know that my confidences are kept, and that you’re not sharing with me any information about other people that should be confidential.
Integrity: You choose courage over comfort. You choose what is right over what is fun, fast, or easy. And you choose to practice your values rather than simply professing them.
Nonjudgment: I can ask for what I need, and you can ask for what you need. We can talk about how we feel without judgment. We can ask each other for help without judgment.
Generosity: You extend the most generous interpretation possible to the intentions, words, and actions of others.
Daring Greatly, 225-226. Catch Brene’s full talk on The Anatomy of Trust here!
Perhaps not surprisingly, I’ve found each of these helpful in my own recent health journey. In the past year – amidst all kinds of hardships, disruption, and ambiguity – these specific markers of trust have served me time and again. They’ve helped me know how to identify (and how to build!) the contexts I need to flourish.
Here’s the cool thing: it’s never too soon and it’s never too late to prioritize this work. Any commitments we make here, however small or unseen, set the table for returns we can barely now imagine – so long as we're open to receiving them on their own terms. (Ha! Perhaps that's another post?!)
For the moment…
Which of these elements of trust catches your attention today? What’s one thing in your life you might consider STOPPING in order to safeguard space for more marbles in that jar?
Where is one relationship of trust in your current life? How can you take ONE SMALL STEP to strengthen it today?
Belonging is complicated, but our simple steps of investment need not be.
P.S. If ever you feel overwhelmed or unsure of where to start, I’d love to explore if coaching may be a fit. Reach out for a Discovery Call, and let’s explore together your next best steps.
Were these thoughts helpful? Feedback for next time?!
I'm eager to hear what lands for you — or doesn't!