It Helps to Know What You’re Up Against
The Gift of the Second Question.
Getting out of bed these days is tricky.
I’m in a final year of cancer treatment—titrating up to “full dosage” on a medication that’s thought to bring an extra level of protection against brain cancer. My team so rigorously recommended this final round of treatment that they changed my mind from a settled “no thanks” to “ok—I’ll try.”
Despite daily nose bleeds, significant GI issues, and notable fatigue, I’ve made it to 4 of 6 pills. And while I celebrate such overall progress—and covet your prayers & cheers as I increase to final dosage—that’s not why I bring it up.
Instead, I want to share a powerful moment that happened a few weeks ago—an experience that was so simple and so profound that my mind has replayed it dozens of times.
I was in conversation with my business partner, DJ—a weekly huddle space we step into every Monday to support our friendship and define our priorities. After swapping a few check-in questions, I found myself wiping away tears, as I said out loud: “It’s so hard to get out of bed these days.”
DJ responded with compassion. And then—I see this now as a Divine gift—he pressed with a second question: “What makes that moment so hard, friend? Is it fatigue? Is it pain? What’s happening for you?”
I had said: “this is so hard.”
DJ had answered: “how so?”
Friends: I cannot tell you how grateful I am for that brave moment. It might never have been. I was a pile of raw emotions that day and DJ knows well the stout & steady side effects of these meds—to say nothing of an excruciating shoulder injury I’ve been rehabbing since early December.
But DJ knows also the gift of the second question—the power of excavation. So in a matter of minutes, I had clearly articulated three specific ways that waking up is difficult for me…
After the balm of a heating pad on my tummy all night, leaving bed is the moment I have to leave that crutch behind.
Standing horizontal on my wooden floor every morning is the moment when I also must step into full body consciousness—the aches, the pains, the body limits that have been allowed to slumber, however fitfully, inside the dark of night.
Those first moments each morning are also the vulnerable context where worries & unbidden soundtracks freely flow: Will I have what I need this year? Will my body ever be the same? Is this new normal forever?
Breaking it down—naming the details—has remade my waking routine. I know what I’m up against.
Inside of a Monday check-in where I came downcast and defeated, my partner didn’t fix anything—but he also didn’t let me fall prey to vague discouragement or tearful despair. He hosted me with kindness and then bravely invited me to go a layer deeper. He asked me to name a specific thing—welcoming something deep, difficult, and true to come into the light.
Maybe you have a burden or an opportunity that feels tricky. How so?
Maybe you need a breakthrough or support of some kind. What would be an indication of success?
Maybe you want to make progress. How will you know you’re on the right track?
Maybe you’re taking on a complicated project. What’s the next step?
Do you have a favorite question you turn to in moments like this? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the chat roll below. From waking onward, may these second and third round questions bring just the support you need, as you move through your own challenging moments day-by-day.
PS If ever you would benefit from real-life companionship—someone safeguarding space to engage the deeper work—DJ and I would love to collaborate in support of you. Or consider exploring a spot on my one-on-one coaching roster.
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(Psst! I love when our broader community has the chance to engage with your questions & ideas, so comment on Substack when it works. If more private feedback seems best, do mention your name when it makes sense, so we can connect more personally, as I’m able.)
JT please know that you are in my prayers.
In response to your message, I believe the primary benefit of the second question is that it validates you, lets you know you are seen, you have been heard. When someone ventures to ask the second question, you know they want to hear more, they have not turned the conversation to their concerns, they are still with you. You are therefore free to share more, knowing your concerns matter to them. After this opening, you are free to explore the answers to their questions in an environment of love and caring. Sometimes that is all we need to be ready to tackle the rest of our day. Blessings my sister.